God's First Press Conference In 2000 Years: He's Pissed

Heaven - (DCF) - Lifting a ban on press conferences for the first time in over 2,000 years, God spoke candidly with reporters this morning about ongoing strife in the Middle East, the actions of the United States government, and the End Times. Here is a transcript of the press conference.

God: Good morning. As most of you know - especially Helen Thomas, who was at My last press conference; Hi, Helen! - I haven't really had a lot to say. My methods, ineffable as they are, made it so you, the people of this universe I have created for you, could try to figure out things on your own. Unfortunately, it appears that most of you didn't come to realize this, and so you want Me to do your thinking for you.

When I created all of this for you - the Earth, the sun, the moon, the rest of Creation - I wanted nothing but the best for all of you. I did what little needed to be done in order to give you the perfect place to start, and then I sat back and watched, trying to interfere as little as possible once I got the ball rolling. I wanted to see what you would do with what I had given you. To say that I've been incredibly disappointed would be a gross understatement. The term "pig's ear" is just scratching the surface, really.

I gave you animals, that you might eat their flesh and wear their fur for warmth. I was hoping, however, that you'd be able to show a little restraint. You let me down, mankind, and have succeeded in killing most of them off. Way to go.

I gave you shelter in caves, so that you would be able to stay warm and dry when it rained. You responded by vandalizing - I said vandalizing - the walls with pictures of you and your friends killing the animals I gave you. Again, nice job.

I gave you intelligence, and you used it to make weapons. Weapons that, instead of being used to hunt the animals (with restraint) so you could feed your families, you used against each other. That's not what I had intended.

And the spears, rocks, and arrows you had weren't good enough; you had to make things that went "BANG!" And you used them on each other again, trying to get rid of the people you didn't get with the spears, rocks, and arrows. How very sad that you cannot see eye to eye with each other and realize that you are all the same, regardless of which religion you choose.

And speaking of religion, what's all this "Doing It in God's Name" stuff? I haven't asked for any of this. And I certainly do not advocate killing each other over a patch of land that is, quite frankly, no more holy than any other place on the planet. I made it all, didn't I? You can't get more holy than that. I worked so hard to create you, and to suggest that I support the idea of destroying any of you is, at best, ludicrous. I do not condone it, and I most certainly do not support it.

Which brings me to another point: What is this "End Times" business? Relax, people. The Rapture - if I even decide to go through with it - is a long way off. And here's why: Those people just creep Me out. Look at them. All they talk about is the end of humanity as they know it, and they're excited for it, because they think they're going to be sitting at My right hand. I don't think so. The last thing I want is a bunch of loonies up here, slouching around and bothering Me with their problems. I've got real problems to worry about.

For instance, I've got to deal with these yahoos in the United States who are trying to appease Me. Like this stem cell thing I've heard about. If I've read this right - and there's no reason to believe I haven't because I'm God, and therefore infallible - stem cell research could potentially cure diseases that, right now, are incurable. Well, that sounds good to Me. I mean, what happened to "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"? I think I heard that in a Star Trek movie or something, and it makes complete sense to me. But in the United States, they've put a man in charge who, believing he's doing My will, refuses to let that research be done. Not too bright, is he?

The same guy has also started a war against a country that did nothing to his. I know for a fact that I never said that I wanted that.

So, people of the United States, let me ask you this: What were you thinking? Is this the best choice you had available to you? If so, I'd hate to see what the other guy was like.

And don't even get me started about that Cheney guy. He's not one of mine.

Let me say this about other people - and they know who they are - who claim they are talking to Me: Don't believe them. If I wanted to get a message out to all of you, I'd do it Myself, like I am today. I wouldn't go to Pat Robertson and say, "Hey, could you let everyone know..." I have a press agent - his name is Saint Peter - and I tell him what I want people to know, and he handles it for Me. Hi, Pete. Good to see you.

And that's it, really. I'd like to finish my statement by telling all of you to be nice to each other, because you're all you've got. Oh, I'm still around, and I'm watching, but you're on Earth to try to help each other. If I didn't think you could do it, I'd be down there Myself, guiding you along. But I still think you've got it in you to impress me. You've just got to start thinking for yourselves. Go to it.

God then took questions from the reporters.

Q: Thank you, sir. Concerning your statement about the End Times, could you be a bit more specific about how far "a long way off" is?

God: I'm sorry, no. You see, the thing is, if I went around telling people when the End Times were going to be - you know, being specific about time and date, like you're asking - can you imagine the problems it would case for, say, credit card companies? Some goober finds out that the End Times are on, for instance, the Thursday after next, and decides to max out his Visa because he believes he's not going to be around when the bill comes due. That's no way to be.

Q: So you have consulted with the credit card companies about the specific date of the End Times?

God: No, it was just an example.

Q: So it's not the Thursday after next?

God: No! What is it with you people? It was just an example!

Q: You said that you thought President Bush was a bad choice because of his opinions on stem cell research and the war in Iraq--

God: It's not a war. Nobody has declared war.

Q: Okay. But the point of my question is this: Are you saying you don't support President Bush?

God: Look, let me say it like this: It's not a matter of whether I support one guy or the other. It's about whether I support the ideas that are being put forth. It wouldn't matter if it was this guy or that guy, so long as he was trying to help his fellow man. Stifling the efforts of scientists who are trying to make the world a better place - and that includes the ones working on Global Warming - is wrong, especially when there is proof that they've made advances that can help humanity.

Q: Can you give examples? Of things science has done that have helped humanity?

God: Sure. Look at how much the average lifespan has lengthened since I first created you? Humans' lifespan have increased dramatically since you were first put here by Me.

Q: What about Methuselah?

God: That guy was a fluke. And he was a bit weird at the end, so he's not really a good representative example.

Q: Can you tell us why it is that you've taken so long between press conferences?

God: In all honesty, I didn't want to do this one. See, the whole point of all of this - you, the Earth, the animals, the plants...everything - was to see what happened. I started things, as I said, and then sat back to see where you took yourselves. I wanted to be completely hands-off with this project.

Q: So the reason you finally came back to talk to us is...?

God: Because you've cocked it up so badly. I figured I'd come tell you that I wasn't happy with the way it was going. Maybe it would get you on the right track again. One more chance, humanity, and then I wipe the slate clean and start over.

Q: So you want us to go back to church and start worshipping again?

God: Good Me, no. I'm really pretty shy. I don't need the extra attention, in all honesty. Especially with those religious fruit loops doing all those stupid things and then saying they did it for Me. No, I think what you should really do is start paying closer attention to each other, rather than Me. These other people you share your world with are the ones you have to deal with on a daily basis during your life. You won't have to answer to me until you're dead, and to tell the truth, I'd be more inclined to listen to what you have to say if you spent your time helping your fellow man instead of sitting in church and giving 10% of your paycheck to a guy in a suit.

Q: So you're against tithing?

God: Well, yeah. We don't even have money here in Heaven. Which is just as well, because I never see a nickel of the money those guys take in down there. It all goes to radio and television stations, and air conditioned dog houses. Let Me say it again: You need to look out for each other. You're all you've got, and if you spend the time you have left down there - and, cosmically, it's the blink of an eye - trying to talk to Me instead of turning and talking to the person sitting next to you, you're wasting the time I've given you.

I've got time for one last question, and then I have to take My Son to an appearance on a bagel in New Jersey.

Q: I've got one, with a possible follow-up.

God: Go ahead.

Q: Which religion is the right one?

God: Ha! I knew this was coming. The truth? None of them, really. They're all too wrapped up in trying to please Me by doing everything they can to destroy all the other ones, which, as I say, isn't the way to do it. I bet it'll be a huge surprise to those guys when they get here and realize that it's all the same.

Q: Could you clarify that?

God: It's simple. It's all about Me. Pick a religion. When they talk about their "god," they're talking about Me. Muslims? Yeah, they're praying to Me. Christians? Catholics? Same deal. One God. That's it. Jews, too. The expressions on their faces when they get here is priceless, let me tell you. Especially when I get wrapped up in a meeting and I have My Son go meet them for the tour. Talk about shocked expressions! (Laughter) You had a follow-up?

Q: Yes, thank you. Well, in light of this revelation, it's different than my original question. What about cultures that had more than one god, such as Ancient Greece?

God: Yeah, those guys just didn't know when to quit, did they? Anyway, they were all Me. I had this great wig guy who helped me out with the costumes. It actually made it a bit easier when they were doing their thing, because I knew if it was this group, it concerned this issue, and if it was that group, it was a different issue. I had a really organized system for them. Now, everyone wants Me to take care of everything all at once, and there's no order to it. Oh, Me, what I wouldn't do for a vacation.

Those are all the questions I'm going to take, but let Me close by saying this: Pay attention, humanity, because no matter how long it is before I finally decide to shut down the whole project, you still have the intervening time to deal with each other, and it won't work if you're not willing to recognize that the person standing in front of you is the same as you, regardless of what color their skin is or who they pray to. (Laughter) I can't say this enough. You've got each other, and that's the greatest gift I could have ever given you. Don't waste it by trying to do all kinds of terrible things to each other.

Be good to each other. Or so help Me, I'll come back and put the fear of...er...Me into you!

Thank you.

All the best,

Derek

(DCF)

Bush the Lesser Uses First Veto - Screws That Up, Too!

For the first time in the 5 1/2 years he has occupied the White House, George "Dubya" Bush used his veto power - a power he has threatened to use (but never had) in the past - against a bill that would allow an increase in funding for embryonic stem cell research, claiming the bill "crossed a moral boundary."

A moral boundary? This, coming from a man who has sold out his country to the highest bidders, allowed corruption to run rampant through Congress, started an undeclared war against a soveriegn nation that had done nothing to the United States, supported torture, courted those who trained and financed terrorists, and continues to ignore the Constitution in order to advance his own paranoia? Just amazing.

The embryos that would be used for this research - research that could, potentially, bring about the cure of countless diseases - would be frozen embryos that had been left unused by fertility clinics. But that's not good enough for Dubya, who, while refusing to allow the press to cover his veto of the bill, still took the time for a photo op with a group of children.

"These boys and girls are not spare parts," he said of the children in the audience. "They remind us of what is lost when embryos are destroyed in the name of research. They remind us that we all begin our lives as a small collection of cells."

Puh-leez.

The House attempted to override the veto, but found themselves 51 votes short.

*****

Elsewhere, more people died as Israel and Lebanon continued fighting. This has been coming for a long time, and finally came to fruition last week, when Israel decided that they'd had enough of Hezbollah, attacking Lebanon with missles, bombing attacks, rocks, sticks, and possibly a few pies. Republicans like former House Speaker Newt "The Moralist" Gingrich (who approached his second wife in the hospital with his divorce demands while she was still recovering from cancer surgery) are insisting that Republicans should frame this as the beginnings of World War III in order to firm up the Republican base for the November mid-term elections in Congress. And yet they accuse Democrats of trying to politicize everything. Just amazing.

*****

Meanwhile, while the U.N. is trying to stop the fighting, Dubya was in Russia, taking part in the G8 Summit, where he was caugth cursing on live video and audio, and then attempted to give the German Chancellor an unwanted shoulder rub. The expression on her face says more than anything I could write. It's also a prime example of the kind of image this faux cowboy presents to the civilized world. How proud we all are.

*****

Back here in the U.S., the campaigns for Congressional mid-terms have been very entertaining. Here are two of my favorites:

• In Connecticut, challenger Ned Lamont had his first debate against DINO ("Democrat In Name Only") Joe Lieberman. Both men are trying to win the Democratic nomination for Senate on August 8th. Since the debate, in which Lamont held his own quite well, Lieberman has pulled out all the stops, going so far as to question Lamont's dedication to the Democratic party. This would be a reasonable question to ask, were it not for the fact that Lieberman intends to run as an Independent (Connecticut For Lieberman) if he should lose the Dem primary. Pot, meet kettle.


• In Florida - you remember 2000 in Florida, right? - Katherine Harris' campaign continues to eat itself alive under her clearly insane leadership. There's just too much fun stuff to list here, so I'd just suggest going here and reading about it. Then laugh. A lot.

And there you have it. My round up for the time being. It's not complete by any means, but it's the stuff that caught my attention.

All the best,
Derek
(DCF)

VP Cheney's Stunning Physical Results

An Undisclosed Location - (DCF) - As has been widely reported in the media, Vice President Richard "Cranium" Cheney went for his annual physical today.

Vice-President Cheney at the 2004 Republican National Convention

The results of the physical were generally positive, but there were a few small anomolies that caught the attention of the attending physician, Dr. Nick Riviera.

"Hi, everybody! The initial tests came back showing the vice president in very good condition," Dr. Riviera told reporters at a press conference shortly after the physical. "He's in very good shape, especially for a man who has suffered almost as many heart attacks as he's had deferments from military service."

There were a few tense moments, Dr. Riviera conceded, as an assistant attempted to collect blood samples. "As many people know - some of whom aren't even doctors! - we prefer that a patient doesn't eat or drink anything for at least eight hours before a physical. However, even in the brief period he was in the waiting room, my receptionist told me that he was continuously drinking from a large mug labeled 'Virgin Blood'."

Dr. Riviera added that it took all seven Secret Service agents to wrest the mug from Cheney long enough for the nurse to draw blood. The vice president fought hard to keep the mug, insisting that it kept him "on top of my game."

Shortly after, the nurse quit her job. "You'd think she's never seen it when it glows green," Dr. Riviera told reporters.

One of the most unusual findings during the physical concerned Cheney's heart. Sort of.

"We couldn't find it!" Dr. Riviera said. "We looked all over for it, but could find nothing fo the sort."

What, then, reporters asked, was the vice president's pacemaker connected to?

"It was wired directly to a small, black lump of some sort of carbon-like material," Riviera said. "We took it out, and the boys in the lab took a look. They had no idea what it was, so now we're going to send it to NASA and see if they can figure it out."

Dr. Riviera assured reporters that the removal of the object doesn't appear to have had any effect on the vice president.

Apparently, Riviera added, there had been modifications made to the pacemaker since its original installation. Secondary wires fed off from the main ones, and were connected to Cheney's colon. "This would explain that squinty look he has all the time," said Dr. Riviera.

The vice president's sneer, however, appears to be a natural extension of his intense hatred of all human beings, Dr. Riviera said. "It's not a medical condition," he added. "He is just an ornery cuss."

Until the rest of Vice President Cheney's test results come back, very little else can be established.

"Until I see the final results, for all I know he's a bald, albino warthog," said Dr. Riviera. "And remember: I'll do bypass surgery on anyone for $129.95! Just call 1-800-DOCTORB! The B stands for 'bargain'! Bye, everybody!"

All the best,

Derek

(DCF)

NSA Forced Out of the Closet

Washington, D.C. - (DCF) - A week after the New York Times announced that the White House has initiated yet another possibly illegal program which calls for monitoring the bank transactions of tens of thousands of Americans, further revelations have come to light that the administration has stepped even further over the line of citizens' personal freedoms.

The Red Bank (New Jersey) Sentinnel announced this morning that another program, believed to have been active since late 2002, has allowed for as many as four NSA agents to be installed in the closets of one out of every three citizens to monitor activities in those citizens' bedrooms.

Once again, the White House has not asked for permission from the FISA court.

When questioned by Helen Thomas about this latest revelation, White House spokesmonkey Tony Snow said that the White House had briefed the head of the House Judiciary Committee, and the program was completely legal and constitutional.

Thomas: Tony, how does the president respond to this latest story from the Sentinnel?

Snow: Well, the president feels--

Thomas: The story says that the president has bypassed FISA again--

Snow: Yes, I know what it--

Thomas: --and many suggest that the president has gone too far.

Snow: As I was saying--

Thomas: Again.

Snow: If I could just answer--

Thomas: I wish you would.

Snow: I'm try--

Thomas: The American people deserve an answer.

Snow: (Pushing aside the podium and rushing into the press pit, lifting Thomas from her chair by her collar) Shut up! SHUT UP, YOU HATEFUL HAG! (Begins shaking her) For the love of God... BE QUIET! You want the truth? Fine! It's all illegal! Happy? We're trying to get rid of the Constitution because the president feels it's outdated in the post-9/11 world! Happy? HAPPY?!? (Drops Thomas back into her chair.)

Unidentified Reporter: Tony, if I could ask a question--

Snow: Yes. Chris.

Thomas: All I wanted to ask was--

Snow: Shut up, Helen, or so help me God, I'll cut you! Chris?

Unidentified Reporter: Thank you, Tony. As a follow-up to Helen's question, are you saying that the White House acknowledges that these programs are all illegal? And if so, how does the presideint feel about this?

Snow: Is that what I said?

Unidentified Reporter: Yes. Yes it is.

Snow: Sorry about that. I, uh...I misspoke. What I meant to say was, this program is, like the other programs before it, completely legal and constitutional. We've had Karl take a look at it, as well as the guy at the donut shop down the street, and they both say we're standing on pretty solid ground here.

Unidentified Reporter: So your previous statement--

Snow: My previous statement...never happened. Now gaze into the Evil Eye of Tony Snow.

Entire Press Corps: Yes, master. We willingly give up our rights to make the country safer.

Numerous former Republican congressmen, including Bob Packwood and Newt Gingrich, have come forward to stand beside the current Republicans in Congress in support of this new program, many of them going so far as to point out that their support has nothing to do with the fact that the NSA allows them to review any "really interesting" videotapes recorded during the surveillance.

Most current Democratic congresspersons do not, however, share the White House's belief that the program is legal, and have also expressed disappointment that they weren't given access to the tapes for review.

The only Democrat to come out in favor of the program is Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman, who stated that it was vitally important to protecting America, and not just because "I really, really, really love George W. Bush." Lieberman added, "Man...what a kisser..."

More on this story as it develops.

All the best,
Derek
(DCF)

Yes, I AM Angry...

(Cross-posted at Daily Kos.)

I received a comment today concerning my last blog post, and I feel I should directly respond to with a post of its own.

Here's the comment:

Chico said...

DCF, you sound angry. I am angry too about all of this BS. These right wing looneys are callous, arrogant, popous asses. But some 60 million people (supposedly) thought it would be a good idea to give these cowards another 4 years back in Nov '04. Mind boggling.

10:53 AM

Well, yes, Chico, I am angry. In fact, I'll do you one better and say that I am pissed-off about countless things concerning this administration, not the least of which was Snow's callous and shameful remark, which shows exactly how he and those he works for view those brave men and women who have died in Iraq as nothing more than "a number".

I'm pissed-off because we shouldn't even have our soldiers there in the first place. I'm pissed because some of us were foolish enough to believe the lies that led us there. I'm pissed-off because of the lies themselves. I'm pissed-off because now, three-and-a-half years later, we're still there, even though those lies have been exposed for what they are, but the people in the Republican-controlled Congress who are supposed to be representing us - you and I - have all but completely relinquished their oversight of the person who got us into this, allowing him to do whatever he wants under the guise of fighting his ridiculous "War on Terror".

I'm pissed-off about "Mission Accomplished" because it clearly was not.

I'm pissed-off that Dubya still hasn't managed to catch the guy who was responsible for killing 1300 innocent people on September 11th, 2001 before traipsing off to another country to settle a score with the guy who made his Poppy look like an idiot.

I'm pissed-off because the man who got us into this undeclared "war" has not let something as trivial as the Constitution - a document designed to ensure that this country would never become a dictatorship - stop him from taking steps to create a police state.

I'm pissed-off that while he has focused on taking over another country, he has let the one he's supposed to be taking care of fall by the wayside. I'm pissed-off that "No Child Left Behind" has left almost all the children behind, forcing schools to teach kids to test well rather than teaching them the things they'll need to know when they get out of school. I'm pissed-off that his job creation since he first took office is still in the negative numbers six-and-a-half years later. I'm pissed-off that he has given the largest tax breaks to the wealthiest 1%, while the other 99% of us have been getting poorer. I'm even more pissed-off that he did this at a time when we are supposed to be "at war." I'm pissed-off that he refused to sign the Kyoto Protocol, which was intended to reduce greenhouse gas emissions that are destroying the ozone layer of the planet.

I'm pissed-off about the so-called elections of 2000 and 2004. Both have been called into question, quite rightly, although there's nothing that we can really do about them. Nobody is going to give us back the past six-and-a-half years.

I'm pissed-off that these same idiots who are going on and on about what a great guy Dubya is, even in the face of mounting evidence that he truly is the worst president ever, were so hot to see Bill Clinton swing for getting a blowjob in the Oval Office, an event that should have been nobody's business but his and his wife's. Back then, they were all full of moralistic zeal. Where did that all go, now that the current Idiot-in-Chief is responsible for the deaths of over 2500 Americans and God alone knows how many innocent Iraqi men, women and children?

I'm pissed-off that Congress is more concerned about keeping gay men and women from getting married and flag burning than they are about making sure everyone has affordable healthcare and a roof over their heads. I'm pissed off that those same congresspersons are not taking care of their constituents because they are too busy lining their pockets with special interest money from corporations who could care less if we live or die.

I'm pissed-off because of all the people who died last year as a result of Hurricane Katrina. I'm even more pissed-off because of the ones who died after because FEMA and the rest of the government were running around with their dicks in their hands. I am incredibly pissed-off that they knew it was coming, promised to help, and then completely failed to do so.

I'm pissed-off because the petrolium companies used Katrina and its follow-up, Rita, as an excuse to screw the American people by raising the prices of their products to ridiculous heights. I'm pissed-off that they used a national tragedy to garner record-breaking profits through price-gouging that continues to this day.

Chico, you said "some 60 million people (supposedly) thought it would be a good idea to give these cowards another 4 years back in Nov '04." While that, in itself, is questionable, I'm still pissed-off - and, quite frankly, shocked - that even 33% of those who have been here on Earth with the rest of us still think that smirking asshole is doing a good job. What the fuck is wrong with those people?

I'm pissed-off that right now, as I type this, there is probably a computer somewhere recording every keystroke and branding me a traitor because I'm speaking my mind.

So, yes. I am pissed-off. You should be, too. If you're not, you haven't been paying attention.

DCF