God: Good morning. As most of you know - especially Helen Thomas, who was at My last press conference; Hi, Helen! - I haven't really had a lot to say. My methods, ineffable as they are, made it so you, the people of this universe I have created for you, could try to figure out things on your own. Unfortunately, it appears that most of you didn't come to realize this, and so you want Me to do your thinking for you.
When I created all of this for you - the Earth, the sun, the moon, the rest of Creation - I wanted nothing but the best for all of you. I did what little needed to be done in order to give you the perfect place to start, and then I sat back and watched, trying to interfere as little as possible once I got the ball rolling. I wanted to see what you would do with what I had given you. To say that I've been incredibly disappointed would be a gross understatement. The term "pig's ear" is just scratching the surface, really.
I gave you animals, that you might eat their flesh and wear their fur for warmth. I was hoping, however, that you'd be able to show a little restraint. You let me down, mankind, and have succeeded in killing most of them off. Way to go.
I gave you shelter in caves, so that you would be able to stay warm and dry when it rained. You responded by vandalizing - I said vandalizing - the walls with pictures of you and your friends killing the animals I gave you. Again, nice job.
I gave you intelligence, and you used it to make weapons. Weapons that, instead of being used to hunt the animals (with restraint) so you could feed your families, you used against each other. That's not what I had intended.
And the spears, rocks, and arrows you had weren't good enough; you had to make things that went "BANG!" And you used them on each other again, trying to get rid of the people you didn't get with the spears, rocks, and arrows. How very sad that you cannot see eye to eye with each other and realize that you are all the same, regardless of which religion you choose.
And speaking of religion, what's all this "Doing It in God's Name" stuff? I haven't asked for any of this. And I certainly do not advocate killing each other over a patch of land that is, quite frankly, no more holy than any other place on the planet. I made it all, didn't I? You can't get more holy than that. I worked so hard to create you, and to suggest that I support the idea of destroying any of you is, at best, ludicrous. I do not condone it, and I most certainly do not support it.
Which brings me to another point: What is this "End Times" business? Relax, people. The Rapture - if I even decide to go through with it - is a long way off. And here's why: Those people just creep Me out. Look at them. All they talk about is the end of humanity as they know it, and they're excited for it, because they think they're going to be sitting at My right hand. I don't think so. The last thing I want is a bunch of loonies up here, slouching around and bothering Me with their problems. I've got real problems to worry about.
For instance, I've got to deal with these yahoos in the United States who are trying to appease Me. Like this stem cell thing I've heard about. If I've read this right - and there's no reason to believe I haven't because I'm God, and therefore infallible - stem cell research could potentially cure diseases that, right now, are incurable. Well, that sounds good to Me. I mean, what happened to "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"? I think I heard that in a Star Trek movie or something, and it makes complete sense to me. But in the United States, they've put a man in charge who, believing he's doing My will, refuses to let that research be done. Not too bright, is he?
The same guy has also started a war against a country that did nothing to his. I know for a fact that I never said that I wanted that.
So, people of the United States, let me ask you this: What were you thinking? Is this the best choice you had available to you? If so, I'd hate to see what the other guy was like.
And don't even get me started about that Cheney guy. He's not one of mine.
Let me say this about other people - and they know who they are - who claim they are talking to Me: Don't believe them. If I wanted to get a message out to all of you, I'd do it Myself, like I am today. I wouldn't go to Pat Robertson and say, "Hey, could you let everyone know..." I have a press agent - his name is Saint Peter - and I tell him what I want people to know, and he handles it for Me. Hi, Pete. Good to see you.
And that's it, really. I'd like to finish my statement by telling all of you to be nice to each other, because you're all you've got. Oh, I'm still around, and I'm watching, but you're on Earth to try to help each other. If I didn't think you could do it, I'd be down there Myself, guiding you along. But I still think you've got it in you to impress me. You've just got to start thinking for yourselves. Go to it.
Q: Thank you, sir. Concerning your statement about the End Times, could you be a bit more specific about how far "a long way off" is?
God: I'm sorry, no. You see, the thing is, if I went around telling people when the End Times were going to be - you know, being specific about time and date, like you're asking - can you imagine the problems it would case for, say, credit card companies? Some goober finds out that the End Times are on, for instance, the Thursday after next, and decides to max out his Visa because he believes he's not going to be around when the bill comes due. That's no way to be.
Q: So you have consulted with the credit card companies about the specific date of the End Times?
God: No, it was just an example.
Q: So it's not the Thursday after next?
God: No! What is it with you people? It was just an example!
Q: You said that you thought President Bush was a bad choice because of his opinions on stem cell research and the war in Iraq--
God: It's not a war. Nobody has declared war.
Q: Okay. But the point of my question is this: Are you saying you don't support President Bush?
God: Look, let me say it like this: It's not a matter of whether I support one guy or the other. It's about whether I support the ideas that are being put forth. It wouldn't matter if it was this guy or that guy, so long as he was trying to help his fellow man. Stifling the efforts of scientists who are trying to make the world a better place - and that includes the ones working on Global Warming - is wrong, especially when there is proof that they've made advances that can help humanity.
Q: Can you give examples? Of things science has done that have helped humanity?
God: Sure. Look at how much the average lifespan has lengthened since I first created you? Humans' lifespan have increased dramatically since you were first put here by Me.
Q: What about Methuselah?
God: That guy was a fluke. And he was a bit weird at the end, so he's not really a good representative example.
Q: Can you tell us why it is that you've taken so long between press conferences?
God: In all honesty, I didn't want to do this one. See, the whole point of all of this - you, the Earth, the animals, the plants...everything - was to see what happened. I started things, as I said, and then sat back to see where you took yourselves. I wanted to be completely hands-off with this project.
Q: So the reason you finally came back to talk to us is...?
God: Because you've cocked it up so badly. I figured I'd come tell you that I wasn't happy with the way it was going. Maybe it would get you on the right track again. One more chance, humanity, and then I wipe the slate clean and start over.
Q: So you want us to go back to church and start worshipping again?
God: Good Me, no. I'm really pretty shy. I don't need the extra attention, in all honesty. Especially with those religious fruit loops doing all those stupid things and then saying they did it for Me. No, I think what you should really do is start paying closer attention to each other, rather than Me. These other people you share your world with are the ones you have to deal with on a daily basis during your life. You won't have to answer to me until you're dead, and to tell the truth, I'd be more inclined to listen to what you have to say if you spent your time helping your fellow man instead of sitting in church and giving 10% of your paycheck to a guy in a suit.
Q: So you're against tithing?
God: Well, yeah. We don't even have money here in Heaven. Which is just as well, because I never see a nickel of the money those guys take in down there. It all goes to radio and television stations, and air conditioned dog houses. Let Me say it again: You need to look out for each other. You're all you've got, and if you spend the time you have left down there - and, cosmically, it's the blink of an eye - trying to talk to Me instead of turning and talking to the person sitting next to you, you're wasting the time I've given you.
I've got time for one last question, and then I have to take My Son to an appearance on a bagel in New Jersey.
Q: I've got one, with a possible follow-up.
God: Go ahead.
Q: Which religion is the right one?
God: Ha! I knew this was coming. The truth? None of them, really. They're all too wrapped up in trying to please Me by doing everything they can to destroy all the other ones, which, as I say, isn't the way to do it. I bet it'll be a huge surprise to those guys when they get here and realize that it's all the same.
Q: Could you clarify that?
God: It's simple. It's all about Me. Pick a religion. When they talk about their "god," they're talking about Me. Muslims? Yeah, they're praying to Me. Christians? Catholics? Same deal. One God. That's it. Jews, too. The expressions on their faces when they get here is priceless, let me tell you. Especially when I get wrapped up in a meeting and I have My Son go meet them for the tour. Talk about shocked expressions! (Laughter) You had a follow-up?
Q: Yes, thank you. Well, in light of this revelation, it's different than my original question. What about cultures that had more than one god, such as Ancient Greece?
God: Yeah, those guys just didn't know when to quit, did they? Anyway, they were all Me. I had this great wig guy who helped me out with the costumes. It actually made it a bit easier when they were doing their thing, because I knew if it was this group, it concerned this issue, and if it was that group, it was a different issue. I had a really organized system for them. Now, everyone wants Me to take care of everything all at once, and there's no order to it. Oh, Me, what I wouldn't do for a vacation.
Those are all the questions I'm going to take, but let Me close by saying this: Pay attention, humanity, because no matter how long it is before I finally decide to shut down the whole project, you still have the intervening time to deal with each other, and it won't work if you're not willing to recognize that the person standing in front of you is the same as you, regardless of what color their skin is or who they pray to. (Laughter) I can't say this enough. You've got each other, and that's the greatest gift I could have ever given you. Don't waste it by trying to do all kinds of terrible things to each other.
Be good to each other. Or so help Me, I'll come back and put the fear of...er...Me into you!
Thank you.
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