An Undisclosed Location - (DCF) - As has been widely reported in the media, Vice President Richard "Cranium" Cheney went for his annual physical today.
Vice-President Cheney at the 2004 Republican National Convention
The results of the physical were generally positive, but there were a few small anomolies that caught the attention of the attending physician, Dr. Nick Riviera.
"Hi, everybody! The initial tests came back showing the vice president in very good condition," Dr. Riviera told reporters at a press conference shortly after the physical. "He's in very good shape, especially for a man who has suffered almost as many heart attacks as he's had deferments from military service."
There were a few tense moments, Dr. Riviera conceded, as an assistant attempted to collect blood samples. "As many people know - some of whom aren't even doctors! - we prefer that a patient doesn't eat or drink anything for at least eight hours before a physical. However, even in the brief period he was in the waiting room, my receptionist told me that he was continuously drinking from a large mug labeled 'Virgin Blood'."
Dr. Riviera added that it took all seven Secret Service agents to wrest the mug from Cheney long enough for the nurse to draw blood. The vice president fought hard to keep the mug, insisting that it kept him "on top of my game."
Shortly after, the nurse quit her job. "You'd think she's never seen it when it glows green," Dr. Riviera told reporters.
One of the most unusual findings during the physical concerned Cheney's heart. Sort of.
"We couldn't find it!" Dr. Riviera said. "We looked all over for it, but could find nothing fo the sort."
What, then, reporters asked, was the vice president's pacemaker connected to?
"It was wired directly to a small, black lump of some sort of carbon-like material," Riviera said. "We took it out, and the boys in the lab took a look. They had no idea what it was, so now we're going to send it to NASA and see if they can figure it out."
Dr. Riviera assured reporters that the removal of the object doesn't appear to have had any effect on the vice president.
Apparently, Riviera added, there had been modifications made to the pacemaker since its original installation. Secondary wires fed off from the main ones, and were connected to Cheney's colon. "This would explain that squinty look he has all the time," said Dr. Riviera.
The vice president's sneer, however, appears to be a natural extension of his intense hatred of all human beings, Dr. Riviera said. "It's not a medical condition," he added. "He is just an ornery cuss."
Until the rest of Vice President Cheney's test results come back, very little else can be established.
"Until I see the final results, for all I know he's a bald, albino warthog," said Dr. Riviera. "And remember: I'll do bypass surgery on anyone for $129.95! Just call 1-800-DOCTORB! The B stands for 'bargain'! Bye, everybody!"
All the best,