VP Cheney's Stunning Physical Results

An Undisclosed Location - (DCF) - As has been widely reported in the media, Vice President Richard "Cranium" Cheney went for his annual physical today.

Vice-President Cheney at the 2004 Republican National Convention

The results of the physical were generally positive, but there were a few small anomolies that caught the attention of the attending physician, Dr. Nick Riviera.

"Hi, everybody! The initial tests came back showing the vice president in very good condition," Dr. Riviera told reporters at a press conference shortly after the physical. "He's in very good shape, especially for a man who has suffered almost as many heart attacks as he's had deferments from military service."

There were a few tense moments, Dr. Riviera conceded, as an assistant attempted to collect blood samples. "As many people know - some of whom aren't even doctors! - we prefer that a patient doesn't eat or drink anything for at least eight hours before a physical. However, even in the brief period he was in the waiting room, my receptionist told me that he was continuously drinking from a large mug labeled 'Virgin Blood'."

Dr. Riviera added that it took all seven Secret Service agents to wrest the mug from Cheney long enough for the nurse to draw blood. The vice president fought hard to keep the mug, insisting that it kept him "on top of my game."

Shortly after, the nurse quit her job. "You'd think she's never seen it when it glows green," Dr. Riviera told reporters.

One of the most unusual findings during the physical concerned Cheney's heart. Sort of.

"We couldn't find it!" Dr. Riviera said. "We looked all over for it, but could find nothing fo the sort."

What, then, reporters asked, was the vice president's pacemaker connected to?

"It was wired directly to a small, black lump of some sort of carbon-like material," Riviera said. "We took it out, and the boys in the lab took a look. They had no idea what it was, so now we're going to send it to NASA and see if they can figure it out."

Dr. Riviera assured reporters that the removal of the object doesn't appear to have had any effect on the vice president.

Apparently, Riviera added, there had been modifications made to the pacemaker since its original installation. Secondary wires fed off from the main ones, and were connected to Cheney's colon. "This would explain that squinty look he has all the time," said Dr. Riviera.

The vice president's sneer, however, appears to be a natural extension of his intense hatred of all human beings, Dr. Riviera said. "It's not a medical condition," he added. "He is just an ornery cuss."

Until the rest of Vice President Cheney's test results come back, very little else can be established.

"Until I see the final results, for all I know he's a bald, albino warthog," said Dr. Riviera. "And remember: I'll do bypass surgery on anyone for $129.95! Just call 1-800-DOCTORB! The B stands for 'bargain'! Bye, everybody!"

All the best,

Derek

(DCF)

NSA Forced Out of the Closet

Washington, D.C. - (DCF) - A week after the New York Times announced that the White House has initiated yet another possibly illegal program which calls for monitoring the bank transactions of tens of thousands of Americans, further revelations have come to light that the administration has stepped even further over the line of citizens' personal freedoms.

The Red Bank (New Jersey) Sentinnel announced this morning that another program, believed to have been active since late 2002, has allowed for as many as four NSA agents to be installed in the closets of one out of every three citizens to monitor activities in those citizens' bedrooms.

Once again, the White House has not asked for permission from the FISA court.

When questioned by Helen Thomas about this latest revelation, White House spokesmonkey Tony Snow said that the White House had briefed the head of the House Judiciary Committee, and the program was completely legal and constitutional.

Thomas: Tony, how does the president respond to this latest story from the Sentinnel?

Snow: Well, the president feels--

Thomas: The story says that the president has bypassed FISA again--

Snow: Yes, I know what it--

Thomas: --and many suggest that the president has gone too far.

Snow: As I was saying--

Thomas: Again.

Snow: If I could just answer--

Thomas: I wish you would.

Snow: I'm try--

Thomas: The American people deserve an answer.

Snow: (Pushing aside the podium and rushing into the press pit, lifting Thomas from her chair by her collar) Shut up! SHUT UP, YOU HATEFUL HAG! (Begins shaking her) For the love of God... BE QUIET! You want the truth? Fine! It's all illegal! Happy? We're trying to get rid of the Constitution because the president feels it's outdated in the post-9/11 world! Happy? HAPPY?!? (Drops Thomas back into her chair.)

Unidentified Reporter: Tony, if I could ask a question--

Snow: Yes. Chris.

Thomas: All I wanted to ask was--

Snow: Shut up, Helen, or so help me God, I'll cut you! Chris?

Unidentified Reporter: Thank you, Tony. As a follow-up to Helen's question, are you saying that the White House acknowledges that these programs are all illegal? And if so, how does the presideint feel about this?

Snow: Is that what I said?

Unidentified Reporter: Yes. Yes it is.

Snow: Sorry about that. I, uh...I misspoke. What I meant to say was, this program is, like the other programs before it, completely legal and constitutional. We've had Karl take a look at it, as well as the guy at the donut shop down the street, and they both say we're standing on pretty solid ground here.

Unidentified Reporter: So your previous statement--

Snow: My previous statement...never happened. Now gaze into the Evil Eye of Tony Snow.

Entire Press Corps: Yes, master. We willingly give up our rights to make the country safer.

Numerous former Republican congressmen, including Bob Packwood and Newt Gingrich, have come forward to stand beside the current Republicans in Congress in support of this new program, many of them going so far as to point out that their support has nothing to do with the fact that the NSA allows them to review any "really interesting" videotapes recorded during the surveillance.

Most current Democratic congresspersons do not, however, share the White House's belief that the program is legal, and have also expressed disappointment that they weren't given access to the tapes for review.

The only Democrat to come out in favor of the program is Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman, who stated that it was vitally important to protecting America, and not just because "I really, really, really love George W. Bush." Lieberman added, "Man...what a kisser..."

More on this story as it develops.

All the best,
Derek
(DCF)