Lumps, The Law, and The Lies

Time for some updates…

Well, I got a reply back from Curves International.  Unfortunately, they didn’t appear to share my enthusiasm for Lumps For Men.

Here is the e-mail I sent them:

Hi there!

Some time ago, a Curves for Women opened up near my office, and a few of our employees took up memberships.  I have heard nothing from them but good things about your organization.  This got me to thinking...

What about a similar system for men?  Of course, it would require a different name - curves are associated with women, so something more guy-appropriate would be necessary, in my opinion.  How about "Lumps For Men"?  As a guy, I have no qualms about pointing out that we, unlike women, appear to have been made up from leftover parts, and are pretty lumpy as a result.

Anyway, the idea of "Lumps For Men" would follow the same principal of "Curves For Women", but with exercises geared more toward helping men get into shape, but maintaining a similarity to everyday activities that might be a bit more guy-oriented.  Here is an example of the process that I've come up with:

Step 1: Upon entering Lumps For Men, the customer will be taken to a specially-designed, heavily-padded La-Z-Boy recliner with two handles and spend three minutes reclining and straightening up on each side.  This will build forearm strength, as well as stretch the leg muscles when the footrest lifts.

Step 2: Weight machines are next, set up for 16-, 20-, 24-, and 39-ounce curls.  (The 39-ounce curls are actually 40-ounce curls, but with one ounce poured out for your dead homies.  Word.)  Three minutes on each of these weight settings will slowly build up the upper arm muscles.

Step 3: Here, you will have six minutes to remove a blown engine from an old, rusty Camaro.  First, use your legs to push the crawler around under the car so you can remove the engine mount bolts, and then put those arms into it as you use a chain lift to pull the engine.  Better hurry!  The owner (one of our professional trainers who will dress up as a crotchety old man and complain that you're going to scratch the paint) is getting irritated.

Step 4: Let's work on those flabby, hairy legs of yours!  Our patented Lumps For Men stair stepper features video screens on four sides that allow you to actually live the experience of having to walk up eight flights of stairs in three minutes because of a broken elevator at your office!  Better hurry!  You're going to be late for work!

Step 5: The final step will help build up those pectoral and abdominal muscles.  One of our professional trainers will pretend to be a guy you know from college who needs help moving his couch.  (For realism, we'll even put him in a filthy Led Zeppelin shirt and ripped jeans, and drench him in patchouli oil!)  Repeatedly lifting and lowering the couch as our trainer says, “No, let's put it over here," will really get those abs tightened!  Remember to lift with the legs, not the back.
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So...what do you think?  Admittedly, it could probably do with a bit more work, but it's a start!  I'd appreciate any input into this idea that you could offer.

Thank you for your time.

Derek Springer
Port Huron, MI.

As you can see, it’s basically a copy-and-paste of my original post, with a few minor additions.  And here is their reply:

Dear Derek:

Thank you for contacting Curves International.  Curves is totally devoted to meeting the fitness and weight loss needs of women across the country.  As a result, over 4 million women are now exercising and have moved toward a better state of health and fitness.  At this time Curves does not plan to open facilities for men.

Thank you for your comments. 

Sincerely,
Curves International, Inc.

JoAnn Stone
Customer Relations Representative
Curves International
100 Ritchie Rd.
Waco, TX 76712
Fax: 254-776-0019

So, apparently, they blew-off my great idea.  Some people just have no vision…

*****

Okay, folks.  I told you it was coming, back in my 2005: Looking Forward to Looking Back post, and now it appears that I’m right.  Here’s what I said:

In 2006, there will be midterm elections in congress, and I suspect that things are going to change drastically.  I also suggest that Dubya start sucking up big time, because if the Democrats regain control of the House and the Senate, I can almost guarantee that there will be even more impeachment talk, and possible actions, as well.

For their January 23rd-29th edition, The Washington Times’ Insight magazine published an article concerning the possibility of impeachment hearings against George W. Bush, saying that hearings with the Senate Judiciary Committee – “a prelude to impeachment,” the Times called it – could begin in February, with a  panel including several Republicans who have been vocal witht heir criticism of the administrations surveillance program.

Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) was quoted as saying, "Impeachment is a remedy.  After impeachment, you could have a criminal prosecution.  But the principal remedy under our society is to pay a political price.”

To me, Senator Specter’s statement seems to indicate that, although he believes Bush broke the 1978 law that established the FISA court and set up a procedure for procuring warrants for wiretapping, he would rather see Bush forced to step down if impeached, rather than have him face criminal charges for breaking the law.  What I find amusing about this is the fact that, when President Clinton was impeached for lying to a special prosecutor over whether or not he received oral sex in the Oval Office, he had to face charges before the Senate – all but one of which were dropped.  (He was later acquitted.)  Apparently, the Republicans feel that a Democratic president cheating on his wife, thereby harming only his family and his marriage, is a more prosecutable offense than a Republican president who broke a law and violated the 4th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States, thereby harming the freedom of all Americans.  (This is something I find incredibly funny, considering the exploits of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and former senator Bob Packwood, among others.)

The fact that Dubya continued to make speeches around the country, pushing the idea that he is above the law due to his supposed “war privileges”, even in the face of possible impeachment, shows just how out-of-touch he and his administration are.

*****

Speaking of how out-of-touch the Boy In The Bubble has been, it turns out that his statement about how “I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees” after Hurricane Katrina hit is complete and utter bull.

According to a New York Times article posted today, the White House knew that the possibility was there at least a day before the Category 4 storm hit the coast:

A Homeland Security Department report submitted to the White House at 1:47 a.m. on Aug. 29, hours before the storm hit, said, "Any storm rated Category 4 or greater will likely lead to severe flooding and/or levee breaching."

The internal department documents, which were forwarded to the White House, contradict statements by President Bush and the homeland security secretary, Michael Chertoff, that no one expected the storm protection system in New Orleans to be breached.

This, combined with the report from July of 2004 stating that there would be massive flooding and deaths (although the report’s estimate of over 62,000 was much higher than the reality), made it very clear that the administration – and Dubya by default –should have known, at the very least.  The fact that they insisted over and over that none of the things that happened could have been predicted is clear proof that Bush and Company are completely oblivious to their surroundings.  Either that, or they’re just pathological liars.  I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it’s getting harder and harder these days.

All the best,
Derek
(DCF)