Adventures During the Season of "Gimme"...

At The Mall – (DCF) – I swear…  Next year, I’m doing all of my Christmas shopping online.

I hate going out on the weekend to do Christmas shopping, because you’re surrounded by angry, cranky people who are not any happier to be there than you are, and have kids in tow that are screaming to go see Santa Claus or play in the play area or get a pretzel or…well, you get the idea.  Eventually, one of these people is going to snap and start screaming at the kids.  And then it gets ugly.  A kid gets smacked, someone else shouts at the parent for hitting the kid, a fight ensues, and finally, mall security rushes in and drags the parent away to be strip-searched by someone with cold hands and the nickname “Goldfinger”.

Ask yourself this: Is it worth it to be subjected to that because little Jennifer wants a Tickle-Me-Cabbage Patch Bratz Super Malibu Mega-Dream Abattoir (with color-coordinated sluices and removable rotating knives)?

For those still thinking, let me help you out: Heck no!

Last year, I started early (for me), and I finished almost four hours before Christmas.  How did I manage such an amazing feat, being a guy who, by definition of being “a guy”, usually doesn’t start Christmas shopping until about twenty minutes before the stores close on Christmas Eve?  By shopping mostly online.

I got my nieces’ and nephew’s gifts online.  Same with my sister-in-law’s gift.  Part of my brother’s gift (a vintage-style, 1970’s Philadelphia Flyers hockey jersey) was purchased here in town months in advance.  The other half was built by my sister-in-law, who did a wonderful job a creating a wood and glass case to the first half in.

I got my own kids’ gifts  here in town, but it was a close thing.  I fought with angry mothers, many of whom I am almost certain would have killed me if I had taken something they were eyeing.  Fortunately, my kids weren’t too picky last year.

This year, however, was a little different.  When I’ve asked the kids what they wanted for Christmas, they’ve each said , “Well, what I really want is (insert whatever the single most popular item of the year is here), and that’s about it.”  How can you say no?  I was determined to get my kids those things.

I often tell the story about how, when my oldest daughter was younger, I almost beat up an elderly woman over the last Cabbage Patch Kid in all of Port Huron.  I’m only half-joking when I tell it.  The old bat and I were on a collision course for that doll, and, being younger and a bit faster, I got to it first.  She called me a very unladylike name and tried to grab it out of my hands.  I grabbed her by the wrist and said, as respectfully as I could, “Lady, if you try to take this doll away from me again, I will beat you until you wish you hadn’t lived this long.”

Taken aback, the lady pulled her arm away from me and said, “Well, young man…then go %$@# yourself.”  With that, she turned on her heel and stomped off to terrorize other people who were shopping for their children.

Enough already!

So, next year, everything’s being done online.  I’m going to start early, and if there’s something I can’t find online, that will be the one and only reason that I will brave the malls.  And it will be a very short trip.  Go in, get whatever it is, pay for it, and get out.  If I can get right into the store without dealing with the “in between” stuff, so much the better.  This way, my exposure to humanity will be strictly limited, and I will have worked further toward my ultimate goal: to become a complete shut-in.

All the best,
Derek
(DCF)